I've been married for more than 26 years, and have been through more than my fair share of marital unrest. Without going into great detail, I'll just say that early in our marriage we separated for a short time, and by the grace of God we were able to reconcile. It took many years for both of us to heal from the events of that brief separation. There have been a few times since then that leaving seemed easier than staying and hashing it out. So many people are too quick to leave, rather than stay and work it out. Our marriage is not perfect, but it is a happy one, and a strong one. Working through each trial is what made our marriage strong.
Happiness and strength in a marriage comes at a price. You see, when you marry, you vow to love, honor and cherish, through sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, till death do you part. That means you put your spouses feelings and needs before your own. And when you do that, you will be surprised how your relationship changes. It's not easy to be self sacrificing. It's hard work, but it benefits not only your spouse, it benefits you as well, and brings harmony to your home.
So many people give up on their marriage when things get tough, when those better times turn to worse times. I often hear, "I love him/her, but I'm not in love, anymore". That just doesn't make sense to me. Love is not just an emotion. Love is something that you must put into action. You make a deliberate decision each day to love your spouse, whether you feel he/she deserves it or not. What would life be like if God only loved us when we deserved it? We would live a miserable existence, wouldn't we. We should show our spouse the same grace that our heavenly Father has shown us.
During times of marital unrest, I look to God's Word to see what it says about marriage. In a letter Peter wrote to the churches in the northern part of Asia Minor, he speaks to the wives saying, "In like manner, you married women, be submissive to your own husbands [...adapt yourselves to them], so that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives." I Peter 3:1. This verse is saying that we, as Christian wives, should adapt ourselves to our husbands, so that if they are not Christians, they may be saved through our example. And let me make clear that being submissive, adapting yourself to him absolutely does not mean being a door mat, or never having an opinion, or an idea. In Proverbs 31, the mother of Lemuel king of Massa, tells him in verse 10, "A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman-who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls." Verse 17, "She girds herself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for her God-given task] and makes her arms strong and firm." Verse 25 "Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure..." Verse 26, "She opens her mouth in skillful and godly Wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness [giving counsel and instruction]." I especially like this one... Verse 27, "She looks well to how things go in her household, and the bread of idleness (gossip, discontent, and self-pity) she will not eat." Read Proverbs 31. The wife that this mother wants for her son is strong, intelligent, hard working, and self-sacrificing, and she is called blessed.
Discontentment in a marriage most assuredly turns to self-pity. I know, I've been there. By nature, I am a very selfish person, and putting my husband's feelings and needs before mine have been a real challenge, but God placed in my heart a desire to not only love my husband, but to put into action that love I profess for him. Though I often fail, God has also placed in my husband's heart the ability to forgive my shortcomings. If it weren't for God's grace, and my desire to be pleasing to Him, I can honestly say that I probably would not be married today. And today, I am so very thankful and grateful for all the work that the Lord has done in my heart, and changing my mind in how I perceive my husband, and my marriage.
My dear friends, if you are considering divorce, PLEASE read God's Word, seek His perfect will, and trust Him. You must be proactive in your marriage relationship, and not reactive. Don't trust your emotions. They will most certainly lead you to make decisions that you may regret down the road. For now, the grass may look greener on the other side, but in reality it is truly less appealing than the grass you are standing on right now.
Peace and love!
